One Cloudy Starry Night
by Riddell Lee
Summary: I wish I could say that it began One Cloudy Starry Night, but I can't. For one, that's an oxymoron. And for another, I've decided to skip to the action, which transpires at Hogwarts! Because, as we all know, Mary Sue's can't stand boring things - Rated T


**One Cloudy Starry Night**

**Plot:** I wish I could say that is began one cloudy starry night… but I can't. For one reason, that's an oxymoron. And for another, I decided to skip to the action, which transpires at Hogwarts! Because, as we all know, Mary Sue's just don't stand for boring things… they spice it up… somehow.

**Rating**: Teen

_Can't Think_

_Brain Numb_

_Inspiration _

_Won't Come_

_Bad Ink_

_Worse Pen_

_Best Wishes _

_Amen _

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**A/N**: Okay guy's, here's how it's going to roll… Each chapter is going to have two parts. I repeat, TWO. The first part is the horrible, the dreadful first draft – with absolutely hilarious intercalary comments –minor – that will leave you in slack jawed amazement at its sheer… awfulness. The second part will be the edited version… edited in the sense that the writing is easier to follow, and comprehendible… but still riddled with that bloody demon called a Mary Sue. You will discover that while the writing may change… the story still sucks, the plot still sucks, and that Irredeemable Mary Sue's destroy the story beyond saving

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**P.S. **The chapters are short, and it was originally in block format… I can't read it that way myself, so I edited that… for both our sakes.

**In the first part, the bold is the original manuscript.** _The stuff in italics are extremely amusing comments._

**BTW**: This was the first story that I have ever written. It was where I learned to write stories, even if my mentor didn't teach me anything except that writing is fun… I still discovered that I enjoyed it.

**Chapter One**

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**Alasina sighed as she walked aboard the train finally she was going back.**

_First off, that be a run-on sentence. Secondly, if she's happy to be going back, you need to specify that it's a sigh of relief. Otherwise she sounds bipolar._

**She walked dragging her trunk.**

_You know those little squiggly lines that appear under this sentence in your Word Processor? Use them. And she walked where? And you might have missed a comma, just to let you know._

**She spotted a flash of red hair.**

_Oh, who could it possible be?!_

"**oi weasly a little help here"**

_Do my bidding, boy!_

**she shouted Ron pecked his head out of a compartment**

_So apparently she can see through walls? And feels the need to call the poor guy away from whatever important matter he was attending in order to force him to help her with something that she had no indication she was having trouble with. Yeah. That's completely sane._

"**hey al" he said walking up to her**

_*sappy voice* Who's a cute Mary Sue? Al!_

"**can you help me with this" al asked**

_And take a surprise visit to the Department of Redundancy while you're at it._

"**yea sure wanna sit with me and Hermione?" Ron asked "sure" she answered**

_To be completely honest, they both sound like they were brainwashed and scripted by some sort of government agency. They talk like ZOMBIES._

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**Krya**

_Try to pronounce that one. I dare you._

**walked down the hallway off the train trying to find an empty compartment or a friend to sit with. She passed kids she knew by face,**

_That's usually how it goes._

**and kids she had never even met. "****R any of my friends on this train" she wondered.**

_I don't know. "R" they? One would assume they're going back to Hogwarts, right?_

"**Well maybe I can find some new friends or whatever u wanna call them"**

_Friends will do._

**Krya thought.**

_That's a shocker._

**She continued down and saw a compartment with 3 people inside one had red hair;**

_Hmm, you've discovered how to use a semi-colon, but not a period. That's a new one._

**one had brown bushy,**

_Brown bushy what?_

**and one black head.**

_You make whoever this is sound like a zit._

**She looked in nervously. "Maybe they'll invite me in.**

_No, go sit somewhere else, you HOAR!_

**the black headed girl**

_Her head was black? Crap, what happened THERE?_

**looked out and saw her.**

**Al looked out and saw a girl with Dark brownish red hair.**

_How's that Department working out for you? Also, I'm pretty sure that hair color is impossible._

**She stood up and opened the door "hey you need some ware to sit**

_Oh yeah. She needs some ware, alright._

**there's a tone of room in here?"**

_There's a tone of it. Not a ton, that would be silly. A tone._

**she asked nicely**

_The road to hell is paved with adverbs._

**The girl nodded "yea I would" she said**

_That was not what the question was._

"**come on in"**

_Get moving!_

**al said moving aside so the girl could come in. She walked in dragging her trunk**

_Pack lighter. Both of you._

"**Ron" al said looking at the trunk Ron stood up and grabbed to trunk and put it next to al's**

_Yes, Master!_

"**I'm alasina black by the way"**

_Any relation to Sirius Black, or was it just the most Mary Sue name you could come up with?_

**al said sitting down next to the girl**

"**I'm Ron weasly" Ron introduced him self "and I'm Hermione granger"**

_Split personality for the WIN!_

"**Oh and I'm Krya" krya said nervously. "Krya Thief".**

_Grow up with that one..._

"**Well nice to meet u krya" said Hermione.**

_Who is actually one of Ron's other personalities, remember?_

**Krya looked next to her and realized that she was sitting next to that girl called alasina,**

_Have you been... daydreaming, or... you know what, this adds to my brainwashed theory..._

**the other two kids called her al**

_When was this?_

**so krya assumed that was her nickname.**

_Where would the world be without you and your knack for code-cracking?_

**Krya looked out the window. Seeing the trees go by calmed her a bit**

_I didn't know she was excited. Or that the train was moving._

**but she could tell that the other kids were watching her.**

_Probably planning how best to RAPE HER._

**"So what have you two been up to" al asked**

_Screw punctuation, I have a black head!_

**"not much" said Ron**

_Because he's the boring side-character. Oh, poor Ron._

**"I went to America" said Hermione**

_Yeah. Not excited or anything. She's just that freakin' awesome._

**"really? Cool!" said al**

**"how bout you al any thing interesting happen?" asked Ron**

_Forget about Hermione, all of our attention must be focused on the super speshul Mary Sue!_

**"So ware are you from," asked al**

_Dodge the question!_

"**Me" asked krya**

**"Yea" al said brightly**

_'Bright' is not the word I would use for this girl._

**"Well, "said krya, "I'm from a small town called Serenity, it's on the coast of the United Kingdom**

_Serenity. It's a clue! And they know you're in the UK, you don't have to tell them._

**"Cool what house are you in" asked Ron**

**"Huh,**

_Don't think too hard, now._

**Gryffindor. "Said krya shyly**

_Why so shy?_

**"What about u guys" krya asked**

_Yeah, what about U?!!_

**"Gryffindor" all three of them answered at the same time**

_Either cloned, or brainwashed. It's the only answer._

**"Oh", said krya. "What year"?**

**"Fifth" they answered**

_I'm leaning toward cloned._

**"I'm in fourth"**

**"Your in the sane year**

_Sane. No, no, that's not right on so many levels._

**as my sister" Ron said**

**"Really" said krya**

_YA RLY._

**"what's her name, and what house is she in?"**

**"Her name's Ginny and she's in Gryffindor too," he answered**

_You should probably know her, they aren't the biggest houses in the world..._

**"oh cool" said krya. She was starting to get shy again.**

_Oh, let us comfort you._

**Krya**

_We knew who it was._

**turned and looked out the window again.**

_At the countryside, which was drenched in blood! Oh, wishful thinking..._

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**A/N:** Yes… now for the better-written version.

**Chapter One**

_(Edited)_

Alasina Black sighed heavily as she boarded the Hogwarts express, dragging a heavy trunk filled with her wizarding robes, spell-books and whatever else she had deemed fit to join her for the schooling experience. She slipped on the train steps and dropped her trunk onto her toe. She winced and quickly shifted the trunk off of it, but too late. It was beginning to throb painfully. Tired of dragging the bloody thing with her, she propped it against the train itself and took a breather, running a porcelain hand through long midnight hair.

She was finally going back.

She was finally going back home. It didn't seem possible… The summer had been a bad one. The year before Voldermort had returned and while she believed that simple fact with her entire heart and soul… no one else did. The press was silent, downgrading Ablus Dumbledore to merely a crackpot old fool, and The-Boy-Who-Lived as an attention-seeking delinquent. But now… she was going back… and that fact made all the difference.

While mulling this over, a flash of crimson hair entered her peripheral vision, the person unmistakable.

"Oi! Weasly! A little help here?" She shouted over the noise and hubbub of the leaving students. Ron paused and turned in reaction to his surname being called. She waved and he smiled, waving back.

"Hey Al," he said as he walked over to her.

"Can you help me with this?" Alasina asked gesturing toward her school trunk desperately while brilliant green eyes took on the 'puppy' expression as if Ron needed persuasion.

Ron split into an amused smile. "Sure," he said and together, they lifted the trunk onto the train. "Hey, you wanna sit with Hermione and me? You're a Prefect too…. Right?"

"Yes, please!" Al exclaimed nodding vigorously.

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Kyra walked down the hallway, in search of a compartment that could accommodate her, the bustling of the moving train making her uneasy on her feet. A few first years dashed past her, shouting their excitement to one another. They didn't even apologize when they bumped into her.

Kyra shot a loathing expression at their retreating backs before noting her over-reaction. It's wasn't their fault that they were excited… their little bodies pumped full of hormones and adrenaline. She chuckled quietly, yes… how she remembered her first year at Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. Yes… she cringed at the very memory of such embarrassing prospects.

For a moment she wondered if any of her friends were on the train as well, but dismissed it as a futile hope. She had moved to Carlisle, London four weeks ago after her Father had died in a construction incident – he was a muggle – and her witch mother had only been able to get a job in the Ministry of Magic as a secretary for some man by the name of Lucius Malfoy.

Whoever that was.

Oh how she missed the rolling hills of France's vineyards, the warm weather, the smell of the sea. She felt uprooted from her place that had been her home since birth. Marseille. She missed its people, the open markets, walking along the pier…

She came to a pause at a door that separated compartments and groaned. Every place was taken… with no room to spare. And, the next train of compartments were reserved specifically for Prefects. She glanced once more over her shoulder and – glumly – opened the door.

Instantly, Kyra felt presumptuous, as if she were crossing some invisible line that everyone knew was there just out of eyesight. A little desperately, she glanced into the window of the very first compartment, praying that there was at least one seat open….

Inside were three people, two of which were girls. The boy was long thin and lanky, with startling crimson hair and adorned with freckles. The girl beside him had long silky raven hair and a pale completion, and across from her, a girl with extremely bushy brown hair.

They didn't look mean.

The raven-haired girl was laughing at something the boy had said, and the brunette was smiling broadly at both of them. Suddenly, the raven-haired girl looked at her and their eyes met, briefly… for the next second the compartment door had been thrown open and said girl was in Kyra's face.

"Hey, you need some where to sit? There's a ton of room in here…" she said smiling still wider at her.

Slightly unnerved but grateful for the invitation, Kyra nodded, "Yeah, thanks!" she said pulling her trunk closer to her.

"Come on in, then," Al said moving aside for her to enter. Kyra hesitated and glanced down at her trunk. "Ron?" Al said peering over her shoulder at the red head. Ron merely gazed blankly at her until a nod toward the trunk and a kick from Hermione caught him up.

"H-here!" He stuttered as he realized what was going on. "Let me help you with that," and he took her trunk, stashing it next to Al's. Kyra muttered a quiet thank you and sat down in the seat that had been previously empty. Alasina sat beside her.

"I'm Alasina Black, by the way," Al said smiling broadly again.

"I'm Ron Weasly," Ron said nodding toward her politely.

"And I'm Hermione Granger," the brunette said, giving a small wave.

"Oh! And I'm Kyra," she responded nervously in a light French accent. "Kyra Thief."

"Nice to meet you, Kyra," Hermione said nodding toward her before turning to listen to something Ron was saying about how it was stupid that Prefects couldn't sit with their friends. Kyra didn't feel like participating in the conversation. It made her feel oddly anxious, like she was being forced into a dark compact space with no light and no oxygen… no way to breathe…

She looked hurriedly out the window, at the trees and hills rolling by and ran a distracted hand through her chocolate hair. It calmed her slightly, but she could feel a subtle paranoia that everyone was watching her – even though they most probably weren't – starting to sink in.

"So, What have you two been up to?" Al asked to Ron and Hermione.

Ron shrugged. "Not much."

Hermione sat straighter. "I went to America," she said unable to hide the glee in her voice.

"Really? Cool!" Al exclaimed suddenly bursting with excitement. But before she had a chance to ask her anything about the trip, Ron asked Al a question.

"How about you Al? Anything interesting happen?"

She shrugged in response, "Nothing much," she said airily. "So, Where are you from?"

It took a moment of silence for Kyra to realize that Al was addressing her. "Me?" she asked feeling immensely stupid.

"Yeah," Al said brightly, smiling widely again. Kyra wondered faintly if she bleached her teeth to achieve such a sparkling affect.

"Um… well, I'm from Marseille –"

"Oh! That's in France, isn't it?" Al exclaimed boisterously.

Kyra leaned slightly away from her. "Er… yeah it is."

"What House are you in?" Ron asked.

"Uh… Gryffindor. They did the sorting ceremony during the summer when I had my papers transferred." And quickly, before they could ask anything about the move added, "What about you guys?"

"Gryffindor!" Ron exclaimed while Hermione nodded in agreement.

"Slytherin…" Al muttered and for once she looked completely downcast as if she had just been assigned to the gallows.

As Kyra had no idea what the difference between the houses were, she ignored it as just a despair that she wasn't on the bandwagon for once.

"What year are you?" Kyra asked when no one said anything.

"Fifth," they all answered.

"Oh… I'm fourth."

"You're in the same year as my sister," Ron said thoughtfully.

"Really? What's her name?"

"Ginny, and she's in Gryffindor too. I should introduce you…"

"Uh… thanks," Kyra muttered turning to stare out the window again. Without her the conversation continued as normal, Hermione had a pen pal in America now and was hoping to return the following summer. Ron hated sitting up here with the _Prefects_ as though the word reminded him or something or someone he greatly disliked. Al commented on everything, as though she had been to every one of these events and understood what transpired at them perfectly. There was also a mention of someone named Harry, who sounded like a friend of theirs, but wasn't a Prefect. Kyra remained silent watching her reflection blink pale blue eyes.

And all the while, the hairs on the back of Kyra's neck stood on end.

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**A/N** I hope you enjoyed it! I love reviews, they make me happy for days on end... so please drop one!

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**Concerning Reviews**

Because these stories are parody's, I'd appreciate it if you didn't call ME stupid and incompetent... but the Mary Sue's instead. I am merely recording proof that even if a story that has been edited from it's original horrible state, it is STILL infested with Irredeemable Mary Sue's. Constructive Criticism IS, however, greatly appreciated.


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